Family Affair
by Broke Dujor
Summary: A look into the day of an elderly, but quick as a whip, Bella. One Shot. Hilarity Guaranteed.


Hello! This will be a one shot, (nothing like my last one, I promise) I own nothing.

BELLA

"Grandma, did you move your extra towels?" My eldest granddaughter, screams near my face.

"I may be old as dirt, but I don't need you screamin' in my face, Lucy." I growl, putting my knitting down on my lap and pointing a wrinkled hand towards the nearest closet.

She smiles apologetically, "Sorry, Grammy," and skips off to fetch a towel and head out to First Beach.

"You make sure to keep your suit on!" I call out after her. "I don't need anymore of you brats runnin' around my house. These are my golden years, and ya'll are mooching it all away." I grumble.

"Grandma!" Lucy cries out while I snicker to myself.

"Mama, you begged me to bring them here, so stop playin'. . . Did you move your honey?" My son, my only child, Jasper drawls, walking toward me with a tray of food.

A few years in Texas, a thousand years ago, and the boy thinks he's a cowboy.

Gross; oatmeal. I ain't dead and neither are my taste buds, for cyin' out loud.

"You tryina bore me to death, boy, I don't like oatmeal." I gripe, acceptin' the trey.

The little shit just smiles at me. My Jasper is a handsome man. He just turned fifty and is my pride and joy.

Could use to lose of a few pounds though.

But you won't hear me tellin' him that.

"You should be the one eatin' this nasty shit, lardass."

Whoops.

"Shut the hell up, you she-devil, i'm feeding you oatmeal because you won't wear your dentures, if you did,you could eat regular food." He scolds.

"I hate those things, they make me look like a cartoon character. Won't wear 'em; not on your life."

"They're better than being toothless." He argues.

"Yeah, well, you're fat gut is blocking my stories, move outa the way and take all that gravitational pull you've attracted with ya, tubby."

He narrows his eyes at me, "I'm going to put you in a home, you old bat; The worst I can find. Also you're no super model yourself."

"Eh, yeah, yeah." I wave a dismissive hand at him and eat my oatmeal.

I'm old, I can get as fat as I want, what's his excuse?

He sits next to me and focuses on the tv for a second before becoming restless.

"What are you makin', Ma?" He asks, his prominent brows furrowed, looking at what is obviously gloves, placed beside me.

Dumbass.

"A noose."

"Mama, don't joke about hanging yourself." He replies angrily.

"Who said it was for me?"

He just shakes his head and turns back to the tv, changing the channel to his sports, muttering something or the other.

Ah, I don't give a damn.

"So what the hell are all you people doing in my home?" I ask, finishing my disgusting oatmeal.

"Dammit, Ma, you begged me and Alice to see your grandkids, and for some reason they like coming here, so that's what we're doing here."

"Alice? That name doesn't ring a bell."

"Mama." He warns.

"Oh, yeah, that shrill, little harpy you married."

"What do you have against, Alice? I'm tired of these comments, what has she done to you?" He begs.

"You want to know? You _really_ want to know?" I challenge.

"Yes, I _really_ want to know." He mimics me in a high pitched voice.

"She stole my baby boy away. Just snatched you right from me, and the last twenty years, I've had no one." I cry.

He just stares at me slack-jawed for several long seconds, before he's snaps back to reality.

"What a bunch of shit, you horrible, old woman."

I dissolve in a fit of giggles as he calls me out on my bullshit.

"I bet you can't even 'member why you don't like her, mush brain." He accuses.

"That ain't it at all, fatty. My reasons are my own and non your concern."

He tries to argue back but my younger grandkids come runnin' in, dirty, stinkin' to high heaven, and rowdy as all hell.

My little Susan is the youngest, four years old, then Jayden, Luca, then Christina is the oldest of the small kids at 11.

Lucy, the oldest out of all is probably with the last two kids, Shane and Tara, down at the beach.

The beach is why they love coming to Grandma's house.

"You all best go clean up before I get out of this chair and tan some hides for trackin' dirt into my house."

They all scuttle away, knowing I just might make good on my threat.

"Don't threaten my children, Bella." The shrill little harpy commands, stomping her way into my home.

She's a small little woman with funny looking black, spiky hair. It was kinda cute when she was 25, but at fifty she looks like an old little hoochie, that doesn't know her real age.

"That's Ms. Swan to you, missy. Don't think that just because you are middle aged, that means you can come in here like you own the place with your hot shot, big city gal attitude." I point a stern finger and wag it at her.

Jasper sighs.

"Mom those are our kids and we don't threaten them. So don't say anything like that again, it's not healthy for them."

I look down at my lap, throughly chastised.

"You're right, Jasper, that was wrong of me, these are your kids. I'm sorry, to the both of ya." I relent, smilin' a small smile at my daughter-in-law.

"Thank you." He takes my dishes away to the kitchen.

I go back to my gloves, lookin' away from Alice.

"You know, Alice, when I first met you, I thought you were a carpet muncher."

"MOTHER!"

"BELLA!"

"Why would you say such a horrible thing?" My son screeches.

You would think his balls hadn't dropped, but I know for a fact her went through puberty. Worst five years ever.

For him. For me it was hoot and a half;always embarrassin' him.

"Hey, there isn't anything wrong with being a lesbian. You know in the seventies your old mother here had a few-"

I'm cut off by my son covering his ears and screaming.

"That's not what I meant! You know what, I want you to say something nice to Alice, Now!"

"Did you not get hugged enough, or somethin'?" I yell, squintin' my eyes at him. No grown woman should need to be coddled by her mother-in-law.

"Mom!"

"Fine, fine! Alice . . ."

I look to her, seeing a smirk fighting to break free on her scrunched up face.

"Yes?" She sings.

"I hope I out live you."

"What the fuck, Ma?!" Jasper screams.

"What! Then she won't have to go through the pain of seein' me die." I reason.

God, this boy is _never_ satisfied. I said something I thought is nice, and considerate, even though that wasn't even in my instructions, and it still wasn't good enough. Good God, almighty.

"Fuck!" A small voice calls out.

We all turn to see little Susan, with an evil look on her face.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

I bust up laughing, my whole body suffering from it, but it's worth it to see the look on that nasty woman's face.

**-FA-**

"Grammy," My handsome Shane whines, the mirror image of his daddy with wavy blond locks, "We don't like watching the news." We just had a horrible dinner, cooked by you-know-who, and are now sitting around with full, unsatisfied stomaches.

"I don't either."

"Then why are we watching it?" He whines. He got that from _her._

" 'Cause this new anchor is sex on a stick."

I met with a chorus of gross! and eww! from the older kids, the loudest from _my own_ son, and giggles from my little angels.

"Please, just stop, Ma." My Jasper whines. Picked up her bad habit on the way, I see.

God, can't an old lady ogle in peace? _Damn Yankees_.

I'm broken outa my thoughts when my dear, sweet, little Susie snores softly where she's cradled on my lap. My new favorite grand child. Ahh damn, I loves these little Yankees.

Not Alice, though.

My doorbell chimes, alerting us to a guest, waking my Susie.

"Who could that be at this time of night?" I grumble.

Jasper goes to stand up but I motion him to stay where he is.

He takes Susan from me and I stand, my old body very unhappy with me for letting a fifty pound child lay on me for so long.

"Son of a bitch." I groan from the stiffness of my muscles.

"Stop cussin' in front of my children." Jasper whispers as the others giggle.

"Stop tellin' me what to do in my own house! I shoulda used a condom."

I walk away laughin', listenin' as he grumbles about me being a mean old woman, Yada, yada, yada.

As soon as I open the door, I instantly want to slam it shut.

"What are you doing here, you old fool?"

Standing on my porch is Edward Cullen. Ugh, Can't stand the man! He thinks he's God's gift to to grannies with his almost full head of hair and original teeth and new, fancy, bionic hip.

"Stick your teeth in, babe,We got a date tonight." He unleashes his smile on me and bringing from around his back a dozen red roses.

I take the roses from him and slam the door shut.

"Mama, whose at the door?"

"A woman named Maria from your office; She says she pregnant. Should I take a message?" I call back sniffin' my flowers.

"What the fuck!" The little harpy screams, then I think the sound of slapping comes after.

"Alice, I don't know what she's talking about! Stop hitting me!" Jasper cries out followed by shouts from the kids.

Aaaahahahaha

The door bell rings again.

I open it again to see a scowling Edward Cullen.

"What are you doing here, you old fool?"

"Dammit, woman, i've been chasing after you for six months and i'm tired of being rejected. You are coming on a date with me and that's final, Isabella Swan."

I can't lie. Edward is handsome man, aged very well, this one. Tall, still in good shape, with seducing eyes and pianists fingers.

"I would rather eat dirt."

"Then I'll take you out to that new vegan joint." He smirks, but still a little ticked at me, I can tell.

"Why can't you take a hint, fella? I won't be another pill in your caddie. Go on now, go on back to that slut, Jessica Stanley."

"Is that why you won't go out with me? You crazy woman, I never slept with Jessica. I ain't got no time for a chippie. I want a real woman." He steps closer to me, towering over me with that gorgeous smile, sultry voice and beautiful emerald eyes. When I don't answer right away he lifts a weathered hand to tuck some fallen gray curls behind my ear.

"You tellin me straight? You never touched her?" I question, looking up at him coyly, but still slightly untrustfull. "She told everybody ya'll are going steady."

"She said that 'cause she's even crazier than you."

I pout up at him, hugging my flowers, not yet completely pleased.

"Cross my heart." He crosses his heart with the hand that touched my hair.

"Hope to die?" I counter, over the yellin' still comin' from my livin' room.

"Hell no, woman, I just refilled my viagra prescription." He smirks down at me again, payin' the loud noise no mind, and I can't help but giggle.

Aww, damn.

"I'll go put in my teeth, you old charmer."

I join my screaming family and fish my teeth out of their water by my chair and put down my flowers.

"Well, lets just met your whore, Jasper Swan!"

Giggling, I follow the little hoochie to the door.

She skids to a halt seeing Edward and not a another woman.

All well, it was fun while it lasted.

"Who are you?" She questions, confused, as I slip past her to put on my coat, my teeth firmly in place.

"Edward Cullen, Ma'am, nice to make your acquaintance. If you're looking for Maria, she already left." He smiles, unexpected playing along.

Alice turns bugged eyed and red in the face, then explodes, yellin' at Jasper all over again.

I look to Edward in amazement.

"I was all wrong about you, wasn't I? Why did you do that for me?" I smile up at him, taking his outstretched hand.

"I remember you said you couldn't stand your sons wife, thought I would help out." He winks, wrapping a strong arm around me.

"Aww, hell, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." I giggle shyly, feeling like a school girl all over again.

"So why don't you like her?" He asks, opening up my car door for me.

"Hell if I know."

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